What I’ve learned from life regarding love

I am the hopeless romantic, turned cynic. I believe in love, and believe in the happily-ever-after. However I also believe that this will never happen for me. Check out the song 'My Sweet Song' by Toby Lightman....and you'll understand where I'm coming from. Anyone who knows my childhood, and my choice of men will understand why I feel this way. I believe people can be happy and IN LOVE with one another. But I also believe that I must have done something in a past life to give me the inability to find that right person for me.

I am proud to say that after being in hurtful, go-no-where, abusive relationships and a year of theropy with a wonderful person, I've come to realize what I want and what I DESERVE. What I will and will not tolorate. But that still doesn't stop you from loving a person who isn't capable of loving you the way you need to be loved or letting themself BE loved. I also feel that I will never have what some people are blessed to have, and I accept that. I'm fine with that. And I will enjoy myself as best as I can. But for those of you who are YOUNG, and just starting out the gate...or those of you who need some guidience from us cyncial's here is a list of things to keep in mind. Maybe this is just theraputic for myself....but here it is none the less.

PERFECT in-sight on being in a relationship (even though these are quoted from a movie): 'The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back.' also ''Every woman has the exact love life she wants....When you're ready to let go, to be un-singIe and un-miserabIe, you will."

When you care for someone, or more importantly love someone, you will have good times and not-so-good times. The GOOD times should out-weigh the not-so-good times. You can hurt for someone, and cry for someone. But you shouldn't be crying over someone.

Communication is key. Don't be afraid to say what you feel, need, or want.

By realizing what it is you want, what you deserve it does not make you selfish to go out and get it.

You can love someone and you can be IN LOVE with someone. Sometimes these two actions are tied up in the SAME PERSON. This is when it gets sticky.

A great love relationship is based on a great friendship.

If a person is not willing to allow love in to their life, it takes too much energy to fight to be allowed in to that person's life.

Your friends will only want the best for you. Don't forget that. A real friend will tell you what they see, or know even if it may hurt to accept that information. They're not saying it to hurt you. They're saying it because they don't want you to get hurt. But they'll give you the time and space to realize this on your own.

Sometimes the person you love is brought in to your life at a certain time to teach you a lesson. If you learn from that lesson, you will come out stronger. It may not be the lesson you expect or even want...but you'll have learned from it.

Confide in the person you love. You'll be surprised with how they either accept what you're saying or give you insight, or even open up more about themself.

Be patient. All good things to those who wait. Just don't wait too long, or you may forget to put yourself first.

Being woken up at an ungodly hour.....

It's funny, I had never used to sleep with my cell phone on the night stand next to me. Nope...at night, regardless of it being charged or not, the phone was far away from me...either downstairs or in the other room plugged in. Even when I was dating someone, or 'involved' with them, I never kept it next to the bed in case they called...in the middle of the night. Sleep was sleep, and I was greedy about it.
But the past few months...I have taken to sleeping with the phone on my night stand. I don't know why. It's not like my kooky friends call me at 2:00am in the morning saying 'get yo' ass out of bed, we're going to do ________." Because you know....we're older, and more responsible than when when we were say, I don't know 21. And granted, I don't hang out with those people anymore...because I don't like who they were or the type of person I was when I think back to those days. And it isn't like I'm getting booty calls in the middle of the night. Because (a) I don't club/bar like I had....(b) I like and respect myself way too much these days to just up and do a booty call, and (c) well, I'm hanging out with 'Squirrel' and no one else. But to quote 'Squirrel and I are not dating'. *Rolls eyes and shrugs*. And not only is Squirrel an EXTREMELY....fully sound sleeper, but he is way too respectful than to call me at 2:00 in the morning for anything.
So when my phone does go off at odd hours of the night/morning. I awake in a slight panic, wondering who got hut or what emergency is going on. This morning was one of those mornings. I had actually gone to bed (last night) at 9pm, which is a rare occasion in itself. But I was tired, had been going to sleep, mad late all week. Anyway at 1:57am, my phone goes off and I awake with a start, fumbling for my phone wondering who needed me so desperately. It took me a few minutes to blindly locate the phone, and when I did to focus on the number. Because you know, God-forbid I put my eyeglasses on. And I was expecting the i.d. to read 'Squirrel's' name, thinking maybe it was later than I thought, and he wanted to ask me to pick him up at the train station due to weather. But it wasn't his name. Then I DID panic, because the phone number started with 674, which is how my best friend/brother's home phone number starts. But the last four digits were not his. So I flip open the phone and mumble "hello....hello....hello...." to no one being there. I call back to see who the hell it was, but they pick up and hang up. BASTARDS! You ruined my nice sleep, and even if it was a wrong phone number don't have the decency to say 'sorry, I've missed dialed. I hate to have bothered you so inconvienant at such a bazaar hour."
Which brings me to my 3:00am writing of this post. I got up to pee, then couldn't fall back to sleep. Pooka came and loved me up a bit, still no sleep. Figured I'd go on-line, and here I am. Posting. Because...you know....I post so infrequently these days. But then it hit me....one of my favorite songs. (Because I was thinking of a blog topic for me to put on Myspace) which wouldn't be so open and obvious in case certain eyes *Squirrel* happened to stumble across me on Myspace. {BTW....Squirrel....still doesn't know he's Squirrel. At least, not to my knowledge he doesn't.} So one of my favorite songs, and I used to want it as my wedding song, is: 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing', by Aerosmith. For me, the first line says it all:
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing Watch you smile while you are sleeping While you're far away dreaming'
That had always grasped me, and it was something i had always wanted to expierence with someone special in my life one day. Because to me, if you could feel that strongly about someone...just want to watch them sleep...wow!
And I mention all this, because the phone call that jarred me awake this morning made me realize. I HAVE this. I mean don't get me wrong. I know that I am not 'in love' with Squirrel yet. However I do know that I LOVE Squirrel, and the fact that we're in one another's lives. But I have on occasion watched him sleep, as it takes me way longer to fall asleep, or I had gotten up to tinkle and then gone back to bed, only to watch him for a few minutes. And he is so peaceful when he sleeps. And on more than one occassion, I have seen him smile in his sleep when he senses me move closer to him, or touch him. I mean...there is so much more to what I am trying to say. So much that I am not divulging in this rambling confession, out in cyber-land. So much I am holding close to my heart, because I don't want it picked to death, or critized or even mocked. But I ALSO have come to realize that the reason why I am over-analyze some of the things that have been going on between me and Squirrel is because it's not just sex between us. There are real feelings. And neither one of us want to hurt the other or get hurt ourselves. And more importantly....this is NEW water for me. Because I have never been with someone who doesn't want to intentionally hurt the person they're with. And because of my past, I wait for the bad stuff to come.....wait for it with no just cause to expect it.
Well, now that I have rambled on and on about all kinds of feelings and phone calls waking me up, I am going to try and get at least another 2 hours of sleep. I just wanted to send this out there.....to share with all you. Because, I miss ya's. Even though it's me who isn't writing as much...I still miss ya's. And I also wanted to THANK wrong number person for waking my ass up. Because, if they hadn't called at 2:00am in the morning, none of this would have hit me as clearly (or as jumbled) as it did. NIGHT...all.

Wow....just when you think you've pulled the wool over their eyes

I am still in shock over this. And laughing uncontrollably. And had to share it with my brother (Nelson) as well as with the rest of you. Because no matter how old we get, we think that we can fool our parents. (Or at least, I kinda thought that.) Because...you know, mom can be scary at times, and seem judgemental. And a bit overbearing. So I try and not tell her certain aspects of my life, just as I'm sure the rest of the world don't feel compelled to tell their parents EVERYTHING either.
Let me back track a bit. (5) Five years ago I was dating a person who was NOT the one for me. It was a very unhealthy relationship, and although my mom and Ida tolerated him (as they didn't want to push me in the wrong direction) they did not welcome him sleeping over, or really care for me staying at his house. If this person slept at my house, he was to sleep on the couch as opposed to upstairs with me. SO IT CAME AS A HUGE SHOCK TO ME THAT WHEN I STARTED RECENTLY HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE (WHO I REFER TO AS SQUIRREL) THAT MOM SAID IT WOULD BE FINE FOR HIM TO STAY OVER THE HOUSE, WITH ME (AS IN...IN MY ROOM). She has yet to meet him, so I was all, "REALLY?" She also doesn't get bent out of shape if I stay over his house either. (Part of this is because we don't live exactly close Squirrel, and I.)
Anyway back to the point in hand here. Tuesday night, Squirrel and I decided to hang out, and it turned in to an all-night event. Mom was OK, other than the fact that she was concerned I didn't have a change of clothes with me. (It worked out in the long run.) Then this past Saturday he and I had decided to get together to do something. So as I was leaving the house, Ida asked if I planned to come home (so she knew whether to lock all the way up or not.) I told her I didn't know but that I had hoped not to be coming home that night.
Which brings me to MY OWN DISILLUSIONMENT. Because you see, here I was thinking oh...mom and Ida have NO clue as to what is going on. They just think I'm sleeping over at Squirrel's house from time to time in a platonic manner. UH, YEAH. THEY'RE WAY AHEAD OF ME. Yesterday I am lounging on my couch, and Ida and mom come home. Mom goes upstairs to change, and Ida is putzing around, goes to the bathroom and comes out, stopping in front of me. 'I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to get upset.' (My attention is caught, and I begin to get nervous.) 'Mom asked me, or actually said something to me, and I thought I told her the right thing...but she wanted me to address this with you anyway. Just don't let her know I did so.' (Now I'm panicking. Is it something to do with mom's health? She isn't doing too well these past few weeks.)
And Ida continues: 'After lunch today, we're driving to Lowes, and mom says to me; I hope that Rose and _______ (she used his name) are using protection of some kind. Because the last thing either of them needs right now is a little surprise. And I said to mom, oh I am sure Rose is handling that. I don't know which method but I know she wouldn't be that dumb.'
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT BOYS AND GIRLS, FRIENDS AND FELLOW BLOGGERS. i AM STARING AT IDA, MOUTH AGAPE. Because I didn't have them fooled for one instance as to what goes on when I am out with a certain someone. I am not that suave. And I am completely dumb-founded that the two of them are so calm and cool about this. So I had to wait until I got my voice back, and then reassured Ida that yes....we are using precautions, and that I even plan on having back-up back-up when I go see the gyno in a few weeks. But you know what...this is a BIG relief. Because now I know that they know I am an adult, and adult enough to make my own decissions (they respect my decissions), and we can be one happy family. And my mother doesn't judge me. She just wants me to be happy and safe. And that's what family and love is about.

ACCEPTANCE!

The Squirrel is driving me NUTS

I don't know why I am posting this stuff about Squirrel here, instead of on the dating blog I had started back in the day. I guess because I feel most comfortable here, and don't know if I should even bother with posting on that site, as maybe those situations were jinxed because of that type blog. NUTS, right?
So bare with me as I ponder the acts of like/lust/and possible beginnings of love (OK, way ahead of myself here on that one.) But Squirrel has me going nuts because I am too chicken to take a step and ask away. A few posts back I asked the age-old question of 'how do you know if someone is interested in you.' Well, shortly after I had posted that, I found out that Squirrel does like me, really like me on some level. We had gone to a happy hour a few weeks back, and well...let's just say that Orelinde had a situation presented to her and she took it. I know....I KNOW! what was I thinking (actually nothing other than it felt good.) What was I doing (errrmmm, the act that I hadn't participated in for a very, Very, VERY long time with someon I was highly attracted to.) And Squirrel was so cute about it too. He tried to not jump on me, and go slowly. We fell asleep, and I woke up in the early morning, and skipped out as I had something to do the following morning at an ungodly hour.
But this post isn't about my sordid first activity with him. Because after that night, the following week, he took me to dinner (and ok, we wound up repeating our activities afterward.) But afterwards, he is so sweet, and tender, and gentle. He has (had) informed me that he is 'happy', we share secrets about ourselves. A few nights after that, we got together, had gone to a movie, and had dinner at his house, and hung with his roommates for a bit before having alone time. And of course I was informed that if I wanted a meaningful relationship with Squirrel, having THE SEX with him on the first night, or every time we get together is not the way to go about it. Claire has told me, big bro Nelson has told me. Fuck...even Cousin Dee has scolded me, and above anyone I would think she would be like 'you go get yours.'
Then things cooled off considerably. We went for coffee one night, and were supposed to do something then he got sidetracked on a project and I left him because he 'felt bad that I was bored.' We retty much didn't see one another all last week, although in Squirrel's defense, and as a tribute to him, I have to say that when he says he will call me, he does. I had texted him one night (biting the bullet), saying I missed him, the following morning I got a text back saying he missed me too. Last Friday I went for cocktails with some friends, and wound up going to his place after, to hang out. Well plans didn't work out as he got called away on an errand. Again I admitted to missing him, as he was holding me in his arms, and he confessed the same too. Then I went the extra-step and said 'you're so full of shit', to see if he was saying it just because I had said it first. He pulled back, looked in to my eyes, and repeated that he misses me, and that why wouldn't he know how he felt. He was slightly drunk too when I got to his house, and I thought that was a GOOD thing, as I could have tried to get some facts out of him. Facts that I am dieing to find out. I even told him that I had gone to his house with questions, but was leaving with them unanswered. Questions such as: (a) What is exactly going on between us- is it just sex? (b) are we friends w/ bennies? (c) is he 'hanging' out with any other women? (d) does he think we're dating? (e) will this progress to dating? (f) is there any future in this?
I figured if he was crocked and I was not, that he may be more willing to be truthful. He has told me in the past that I could ask him anything. I am just too chicken. And ladies, we all know how men are. You ask them a question, and they get all....well squirrely. (This is not how he got his nickname.) So what do I do? Just bite my lip and stay the course? Open my mouth and see what happens when I question? Or just try to get him relly drunk and find out the truth then?

How can you tell?

So here we go again....Orelinde is clueless when it comes to the 'boy factor' of life. How does one tell if another party is interested in them? I mean, when we were in grade school, and 'liked' someone it was easy to figure it out. Depending on who liked who, someone would punch the object of their affection, and then run away. OR, we would decide that the person of our affection had 'the cooties'. And this would go on for either the week, the term, or perhaps someones entire childhood. Having a crush on someone when you were a kid was much less complex than it is being a grown-up.

Or being as close to being a grown-up, as one can be with pink hi-lites. But I digress. Because after many months of doing the on-line dating thing, and then just giving up again I've finally been crushing on someone. But it's tricky, because technically we work together. We don't work in the same office, sitting side by side cube-wise but technically we work for the same department.

I am not giving away his name, nor have I come up with a nickname for him yet, to refer to him as in my blog. But he is cute, and very nice. And every day he comes in to chat with me. It isn't endless conversation ( as I think he doesn't want to have me caught by 'big dick' and get in trouble. But he swings by at least once, sometimes twice a day to say 'hi' or even 'toodles'. (His word, NOT mine.) :o) But is this just casual, friendly chatter? Or is he kind of interested? He did tell me he thinks my hair looks 'awesome' with the pink in it, and today (not to mention one night when I was going to a happy hour) did he comment on my outfit. Today I am wearing khaki, and have a military look going, which he was teasing me on. Is this just being nice, friend convo....or is he interested?

And don't dare tell me, to sniff around and suggest we go for coffee or drinks, or do something to even remotely suggest making the first move. BECAUSE I AM SHY. And jaded.....and don't want to be shooting out of my league. So until I have some other kind of proof that he IS interested in me, will continue to to ponder this. But I'd really, really like some feed back Ladies....guys....do we think this is interest or just friendly banter?