Family and the holidays (any holiday...just pick one damn it!)

Spring is in the air...and with it the smells of chocolate. Easter bunny chocolate...Cadbury speckled eggs, M&M's a new and improved (how the hell do you improve M&M's) varieties, Twix, 3 Muskater's, and Reece's Peanut Butter cups all encased in pastel wrappers. And with the purchasing of candies, and fighting the throngs of crazed shoppers in Wal-Mart or Target, your mind races to the actual holiday day. The one where you'll be facing family. 13 other family members (or more if your even more unlucky). Cousins upon cousin's, where their children continue to mock your height (as they tower over you), or cling to their mother who is freakishly quiet. Where you stare at one another and bite your lip just to keep yourself from blurting out: 'What the hell were you thinking when you decided to cook that? Did you ever hear of a recipe?'
But I jump ahead. Because it isn't necessarily the actual holiday you dread. Perhaps it is the preparation. Take for example the menu planning and grocery shopping. Because everyone thinks they can cook. And people have their specialties that they can cook. And yet there are others (and I am blessed or cursed depending on how you look at it) to have several in my family. Take my mother and our cousin. Oh, they will watch the cooking network for hours on end, 'ooohhhing' and 'ahhhing' over the delicious things Emril or Rachel or Paula creates. They'll even go as far as to print out the recipe. But do they ever follow the recipe??? Maybe I should rephrase- do they follow the instructions or exact ingredients??? Hell no. Because what's the fun in that? Why should they listen to the experts? (And I digress) Why not try the WHITE POTATOES FROM A CAN THAT ARE PLUNKED IN MAPLE SYRUP WITH MARSHMALLOW MELTED ON TOP IN A FORM OF CANDIED WHITE POTATOES before you turn your nose up at them. If you can have candied sweet potatoes, why not candied white ones?
And what may I ask is so wrong with buying the ingredients off the shopping list that has been created for you per your request? If on the list is written (2 Lbs.) SMALL red potatoes, what on God's green earth would possess you to purchase 5 Lbs. of LARGE red potatoes. And instead of going to a normal grocery store, why would you drag your shopping buddy to a Produce Market/ Best Yet type of place. You know what I'm talking about...the one where all non-produce items are jacked up on cost? And Then you complain about it, and refuse to buy more than your normal grocery shopping of: carton of milk, loaf of bread, and okay instead of (1) dozen eggs buy (4). And being that not everyone likes to eat the old food, from when you were a kid...Whether it be for diet or health issues; GET OVER IT. The past is the past.

Let's go back to the candy. Growing up, I never felt like I lived in Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. I never was allowed to indulge in mass quantities of chocolate. Not that I ever felt deprived, mind you. But I'm 29 for God's sake. If I go in to my dining room, this is what we have:

1. multiple boxes of small Russell Stover Chocolate bunnies (aprox. 5)
2. marshmallow Eggs
3. 2 boxes of the hollow bunnies
4. Jelly Beans (fruity flavored)
5. Jelly Beans (spiced kind)
6. Peeps (because marshmallow eggs isn't enough marshmallow)
7. Truffle Bunnies (Hershey)
8. Butterfinger mini eggs

Let me remind you all, there are no small children in my house. And the relatives that we'll be blessed with having on Easter Sunday? There is only one of them, under the ager of 15. So what the hell is with all the candy?

Which brings me back to the relatives. Spots on the couch will be fought over, because you know people will be wanting their naps. (Yes, naps are big with certain relatives). The same remarks about height, relationship status, requests to borrow movies or books will have to be artfully dodged. I'll count the minutes until I can sneak out for a smoke, or call one of my best friend's to see if they will let me escape to their house. But if I try to escape, have the other relative, and their company (across the street) to contend with. And should I come in to contact with them, will be questioned about my escape plan. And even if I can get the escape offer, will I have the energy to actually follow up? Because you know damn well...no one ever arrives when they're supposed to. So no one leaves your house on time either. And when you've been cooking for 48 hours, no thanks to mother-dearest's assistance...all you'll want to do is take a nap.

But you can't. Because there are the relatives. All spread out over the 'bordello' couch. Watching your tv....and not making any room for you.

Holiday movies not to be missed:

The Ref

Home For The Holidays